I’m Just Me, I Can’t Be Anyone Else.

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I much prefer to be myself, the good, bad and authentic me; rather than pretending to have a perfect life with everything sorted.  I’m me, and I can only live the way I know how, and deal with my mental health in the best way I can.

The past couple of years have been very difficult for me, at times I wasn’t sure I would be able to keep going.  But, I’m still here, and I’m still trying.   I’m so very proud of that.


I’m Still Standing

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I Fell Apart, But I Survived

I’m Still Standing….

In my post Meltdowns and Wobbles I shared part of my story, a very difficult chapter in my life. I had just received news that left me “off balance” and I was struggling to work out how to move forward.

I was trying with all my might to keep upright. I filled my time with everything I could to power through this difficult time, but I have to confess, I fell apart.

This was a collapse I didn’t see coming. It hit with the force of a tidal wave and I was completely swept away into the depths of despair yet again.

This time a new emotion reigned, one which I’m not familiar with; and had not expected. RAGE!

I don’t think I have ever felt anything like this rage inside. I didn’t know what to do with the emotion. I tried to push it down and ignore it, but that just made me feel worse until I found myself sitting in the dead of night with a knife in my hand and tears streaming down my face.

This is when I knew I had to get help and fast. I got an emergency appointment with the Mental Health Team and was referred to the Crisis Response Team the same day. Sitting in the waiting room I thought how did I get here again?

And all the old thoughts were once again taunting me. You’re useless! You’re stupid! You’re always going to have a meltdown when the going gets tough because you’re weak and pathetic!

Have you ever felt this way? Those negative thoughts bombarding you again and again. It’s such a fight to stop them swallowing you up and spitting you out.

It’s a very frightening experience when all you can hear in your head is those nasty naysayers. Needless to say, I went to bed for some time, my go to response to get away from the demons in my head and the poison they were spreading.

Thankfully, I have some wonderful family and friends who support me through these tough times and all I can say is Thank You!

One particular friend Michelle Edgar runs a group in Coleraine for anyone with mental health difficulties, addictions or any kind of crisis. I went to visit Michelle at Butterfly Survivors. I looked like I had been dragged through a hedge backwards and was just about able to stand, but Michelle was so supportive as she explained that anger is a natural response to the trauma I had been through. I began to realise that I had to let this rage out.

Michelle provided such a safe space for me to let go, and boy did I let those feelings out. The screams that came out of me were ear piercing and felt like they came from the depths of my soul. But they were absolutely necessary for me to vent the anger and rage I felt inside. I had to release it. It felt like I had to let this frustration out or I would die.

It’s now been about six weeks from this experience and I’m in a much better place. I’m so grateful for the love and support I’ve received. I’m back on my feet again and ready to move on.

I just want to encourage anyone reading this who is struggling. Talk to someone and let them know how you’re feeling. Don’t try to walk this journey on your own. It’s much better to share the dark times with people who care and love you and can pull you through when you feel you can’t go on. All my love, Pamela.



Are You Carrying The Wrong Stuff?

9AADFF05-B7C0-4108-864A-53B2B7DBEF36Are you carrying the wrong stuff? It’s time to set down doubt, anxiety and self loathing and realise you have been carrying the wrong things.  Lay those negative things down and build yourself up knowing, You are Brave.  You are Beautiful.  You are Strong.  You are Smart. And most of all, you are Loved.  It’s now time to carry what you really are and step back and see the transformation.


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Each of us need to be reminded of just how beautiful we are.  We are precious, unique human beings inside and on the outside. This is your reminder of just how special and beautiful you are.


Make Someone Smile Today

Do you want to put a smile on someone’s face today? Maybe make their day a little better. It won’t cost you a single penny or much time to do just that.

And because smiling is contagious, it probably won’t just be one person you make smile today.

Here are 20 ways to turn that frown upside down.

1. Send some flowers to your friend or partner at work.

2. Compliment a friend or work colleague on their appearance.

3. Donate something to charity.

4. Take a friend out to lunch.

5. Let someone know you miss them.

6. Make a surprise telephone call to a friend or partner at work, just to say hi.

7. Hold a door open for someone walking behind you.

8. Hug your partner for no reason.

9. Leave a joke on a friends answer machine.

10. Send a card to a friend letting them know what a good friend they are.

11. Give up your seat on the train to someone when there aren’t any left.

12. Share your umbrella on a rainy day.

13. Ask a friend if they need anything while you’re out shopping.

14. When it’s raining, plan an indoor picnic with your children.

15. Leave a love letter somewhere where your partner will find it.

16. Send someone an unexpected gift like chocolate or flowers.

17. Tell your child you’re proud of them.

18. Tell someone you thought about them the other day.

19. Cook a surprise meal for your partner one night, especially if they normally do the cooking.

20. Tell your partner you love them.

Did you know it takes only 17 muscles to smile, but 43 to frown.

Why waste all that energy frowning when you could just smile.

Here are 5 more facts about smiling.

1. Women smile more than men.

2. Smiling releases endorphins that make us feel better.

3. We are all born with the ability to smile, it’s not something we learn from others.

4. A smile is a universal expression of happiness.

5. A smiling person is thought to be a more pleasant, attractive, sociable, sincere and competent than a non-smiling person.

Just remember, smiling is the easiest and cheapest way of improving your looks.